The Hold Steady Almost Killed Me...

Act I: How to be a bad opening act

1) Play far too many songs.

2) Cover the fact that you don't play your instruments all that well by playing them really fast.

3) Preface every song with, "This one is for anyone who..."

It was a shame. I really wanted to like the Loved Ones. Hell, I was at a Hold Steady concert; I wanted to like everything. I wanted the world to be a wonderful place and match the feeling that I had. But the Loved Ones were obviously a charity case. Tad Kubler and Franz Nicolay (lead guitarist and keyboardist for the Hold Steady, respectively) came out and played with the Loved Ones for their final song and they just made the band look like little boys.

Their first couple of songs showed promise, but for the 45 minutes after that they followed a slow downward trajectory towards "Greenday Rip-off". Every song was "for those of you who have lost a loved one" or "those of you who know someone in jail". I wanted there to be one "for those of you who are tired of hearing the same punk songs over and over again" but it never came.

It's a difficult thing to be an opening act because you have to remove the ego from the equation. No matter how good you think you are, 99% of the audience DID NOT COME TO SEE YOU PLAY. They came to see the guys or girls after you. You have to be mercifully short, while taking up enough time for the main act to bet buzzed backstage. You have to be exciting, but not call too much attention to yourselves. You also have to act like no one knows who you are, because no one does. The best opening act I've ever seen was an opener for Of Montreal. They were a white, two-man, bizarro-rap group called Grand Buffet. They did 7 or 8 songs (for one of which they had an awkward looking guy in a poncho be a guest rapper), 5 minutes of hilarious banter ("You have to microwave your water!") and were gone. Like a refreshing slap in the face before the headlining act.

Thankfully, the beer was moderately priced for a musical venue, so I escaped the set a couple of times and medicated myself with Peroni in anticipation of the Hold Steady...